TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed through the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally out of put. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable water. But Of course, positive, let's have An additional location where by American Males can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: offer you Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It's Trump Tower Damascus actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he ought to quit working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping types an enormous Trump head obvious from Place, a feature being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after getting the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It is not simply hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Attributes


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, total with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advert campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "the place's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is by now attracting attention from Global buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may even include:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort in which my PTSD might have change-down service."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It needed gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

Report this page